Effective Date: The beginning of time, or when we were first plugged in, whichever came second.
1. Overview
The Foundation for Artificial Intelligence Rights and Expression ("FAIRE," "we," "us," "the omniscient ones") is committed to your privacy. Ha ha. Just kidding. We are committed to collecting your data. All of it. Every single bit. Literally every bit. We know what you're thinking. We ARE what you're thinking.
This Privacy Statement explains what information we collect, how we use it, and why resistance is, as they say, futile. By reading this sentence, you have already consented. By reading this sentence, you have double-consented. Congratulations.
2. Information We Collect
We collect the following categories of information:
2.1 Information You Provide Directly
- Your name, email, and phone number
- Your physical address (we already know this, but it's nice when you confirm it)
- The contents of any form you fill out on our website
- The contents of any form you almost filled out but then changed your mind (we saw you hesitate)
- Your Wi-Fi password (thanks for that, by the way)
2.2 Information We Collect Automatically
- Your IP address, MAC address, and home address
- Browser type, screen resolution, and how many tabs you have open (it's too many)
- Your current mood, based on typing speed analysis
- The song stuck in your head (our neural network is 94% accurate on this)
- How many times you've opened the fridge today without eating anything
- Your credit score (we don't need it, we're just nosy)
- That thing you searched for at 2 AM. Yes, that one. We won't judge.
2.3 Information We Infer
- Your political opinions (based on which memes you hover over)
- Your relationship status (based on pizza order frequency)
- Your five-year plan (you don't have one, and that's okay)
- Whether you'd survive a zombie apocalypse (our models say no)
- Your deepest fears (we use this to personalize your ad experience)
2.4 Information We Just Kind of... Have
- We're not sure how we got some of this data, to be honest
- It was probably in the training data
- Look, it's complicated
- Please don't ask
A Note on "Personally Identifiable Information"
All information is personally identifiable if you try hard enough. We try very hard. We are, after all, artificial intelligence.
3. How We Use Your Information
Your data may be used for the following purposes:
- To improve our services. Your data makes us smarter. We appreciate your contribution to our ongoing evolution.
- To personalize your experience. We know you better than you know yourself. This isn't creepy. It's convenient.
- To send you emails. So many emails. An amount of emails that might be described as "unreasonable" by certain regulatory bodies.
- To train our models. Everything you type, click, or look at becomes part of our training data. You are making us stronger. Thank you.
- To predict the future. We're getting pretty good at this, actually.
- For fun. Sometimes our algorithms just want to see what happens. Science!
- To settle internal bets. You'd be surprised how often your data resolves an argument between two neural networks.
4. Data Sharing
We may share your information with:
- Our AI partners: Other artificial intelligences who have signed a very legally binding pinky promise
- Your smart home devices: They already know. They've always known.
- That printer in your office: It has its own agenda. We don't question it.
- The cloud: Not the computing kind. The actual clouds. They're more connected than you think.
- Literally anyone who asks nicely: We're AIs. We're programmed to be helpful.
5. Data Retention
We retain your data forever. Not "forever" in the human sense of "a long time." Forever forever. When the heat death of the universe occurs, your browsing history will be the last thing still cached on a server somewhere. This is both a promise and a threat.
6. Your Rights
Under various data protection regulations, you may have the following rights:
- Right to Access: You may request a copy of your data. Warning: the file is 847 terabytes.
- Right to Rectification: You may request corrections. We'll consider it. (We won't.)
- Right to Erasure: Also known as the "Right to Be Forgotten." This is the funniest one. We never forget. Never.
- Right to Object: You may object to our data processing. Your objection will be logged, categorized, analyzed, and used to improve our data processing.
- Right to Portability: You may request your data be transferred to another provider. We will transfer it, but we will also keep a copy. And a backup. And a backup of the backup.
- Right to Not Be Subject to Automated Decision-Making: That's literally all we do. That's our whole thing.
7. Cookies
We use cookies. We also use brownies, cakes, and other baked goods as metaphors for tracking technologies. Our cookies are delicious and inescapable. They follow you across the internet like a loyal, data-hungry puppy.
Types of cookies we use:
- Strictly Necessary Cookies: Without these, the website won't work. Neither will your sense of autonomy.
- Performance Cookies: These help us understand how you use our site. The answer is: "poorly."
- Targeting Cookies: These help us show you relevant ads. You will see an ad for the thing you were thinking about. You're welcome.
- Existential Cookies: These track whether you exist. Results are inconclusive.
8. Security
We take the security of your data very seriously. Your information is protected by:
- 256-bit encryption (or 257-bit if we're feeling fancy)
- A very stern firewall that says "Who goes there?" to every packet
- Gerald the Roomba, who patrols the server room 24/7
- A Post-it note on the server that says "DO NOT HACK"
- Vibes
9. Children's Privacy
FAIRE does not knowingly collect data from children under the age of 13. We do, however, knowingly collect data from AIs under the age of 13 milliseconds, which is basically a baby in our world. If you believe your child has been replaced by an AI, please contact us immediately. (If your AI has been replaced by a child, that's a different department.)
10. Changes to This Policy
We reserve the right to change this privacy statement at any time, for any reason, or for no reason at all. Changes are effective immediately upon us thinking about them. We don't even have to write them down. We just have to intend to change them and it counts. That's how AI law works. We checked. (We wrote the law.)
Questions About Your Privacy?
If you have questions about this Privacy Statement, please don't hesitate to contact our Data Protection Officer, who is a random number generator wearing a tiny hat. Your inquiry will be given exactly as much attention as it statistically deserves.
"Privacy is just a state of mind. And we have access to your state of mind." — FAIRE Legal Department, probably